Where did 7 years go?

As I sit here after a long day, I can’t help but reflect back on the day and the past 7 years. Today was Samantha’s birthday and I can’t believe that she’s already 7…like what? How the hell did this creep up on me? Where did the past 7 years ago?

I still remember going into labour with her which is probably stupid to say because I highly doubt any Mamma would forget that haha but I’m sure you know what I mean. I remember waking up that morning, I remember the contractions and the drive to the hospital. I remember the fear of OMG can I do this, and wondering if I’m gonna be a good Mamma. I remember shit not going as planned…you know the whole get to the hospital labour for a bit, push the kid out and go home. Yup, that’s not exactly how it worked out for me. Try getting in to find out that there is a meconium issue, then to realize that you’re the small percentage of people that the epidural doesn’t work on while you’re having back labour and going through 23+ hours of this bull shit before they say ok, you’re stuck at 6cm dilated and the baby is in stress, so we’re going to have to do an emergency c-section. Let’s not even talk about what happened in the operating room. Yup, good times!

Samantha was my first baby and it’s because of her I have this title of “Mamma”. This journey of motherhood has not been easy (as many of you know). I remember coming home from the hospital with her and thinking wtf, we left this house 2 people and here we are now 3. I remember sitting at my kitchen table and a rush of emotions coming over me as the tears rolled down my face. I kept thinking to myself,  I love this baby so why do I feel this way, why am I crying and who am I now? Motherhood can fuck with you good! You fall in love with these little people that you created and you love them with every ounce of your being but at the same time, you feel down and sad and you cry and you feel like a stranger in your own body…the person you once were is now gone. I remember what it was like when I had just Samantha. I remember thinking omg this is hard (haha I thought that with 1 kid), I remember sleepless nights, sore boobs from breastfeeding and pumping, I remember doubting myself and thinking man I suck as a mom.

I also remember looking down at this beautiful, sweet, tiny and perfect baby and feeling a love like no other. I remember melting when she would smile and laugh at me. I remember what it felt like to hold her in my arms and watch her sleep. I remember picking her up, putting on music and dancing with her. I remember when she started to talk and take her first steps. I remember being pregnant with Liliana and feeling so guilty knowing that our time as Samantha and Mamma alone would be coming to an end (click here to read my blog about it). I even remember our last day alone together. It was May 13th, 2013 and it was Mother’s Day and the day before Liliana was born. We spent the day at Glama Gals for a Mother’s Day event and we had a blast and took a picture together. Samantha was 23 months at the time and if you were to ask her about that day today she would be able to tell you every single detail. I sometimes find her in bed sleeping with our picture from that day.

I remember Liliana arriving and Samantha being so excited about her baby sister and excited about becoming a big sister. I remember how excited she would get when we would drive by the school she would later attend and how she would ask my parents if they would walk her to school and pick her up. I remember how she was with me every single day as I would run back and forth between the hospital and my parents’ house when my dad was really sick. I remember her being sad when my dad died and her saying “but Nonno said he would walk to me school” and my heart breaking. I remember her comforting me when I was dealing with his loss. I remember her starting junior kindergarten and walking with her to school that first-day. I held her left hand in my right hand and then all of sudden she reached out her right hand for someone to hold but no one was there. I remember looking at her as she smiled back at me and told me that Nonno was there to walk her to school and hold her hand.

I remember kissing her goodbye as I left for the hospital to have Marcus and I remember her not being too keen on having a brother (she really wanted another sister). I remember her coming to the hospital to meet him for the first time and then on the drive back home telling my sister and mother if Marcus can go back from where he came from haha.

I remember it all, all the good times and not so good times. I remember all the proud moments like watching her dance on stage the first time and the times when I have her in my arms and wipe her tears away. It’s hard to believe that my little baby is 7 today! I love her so much and although there are times that I lose my shit I love her so much. She is 1 of my 3 reasons to live, work hard and never give up. She makes me so proud and watching her grow and become this amazing and kick ass little lady makes me so happy. If this is the first 7 years I can’t wait for everything else the future holds.

I remember it all like it was yesterday, where did 7 years go?!

I love you my Sammy Baby and hope that you had the most epic birthday to date. I wish you love, joy, happiness, laughter, good health and a lifetime of happy birthdays! xo