Time heals NOTHING!

It’s been 3 years since my daddy took his last breath and left us. We were all by his side and it was the most awful thing I’ve ever seen or experienced…something I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy.

You know they say time heals all wounds but I’ll tell you straight up, that’s a crock of shit! Time doesn’t heal squat, it actually hurts more because you miss them more with each day that passes and it takes you further away from them. You don’t have any new memories to look back on, the memories you do have seem like a lifetime ago and events, celebrations and holidays that are coming up are shit because the memories you will make there won’t include them. At night when you can’t sleep you start going through pictures looking, hoping and praying that you’ll find something new but instead, you come across the same old pictures time and time again and then you end up frustrated, with tears in your eyes, and pain of heartache.

The one thing that I can say about losing someone and time passing is that you start to accept living without them because you have no choice and you become numb. It becomes the new norm and it fuckin sucks because you don’t want that. You want to be able to pick up the phone and call them to tell them about the idiot who cut you off on the highway earlier or share a funny story or to simply say I love you! All of that has been stripped away from me and my family when we lost my dad to cancer 3 years ago today.

I came across a quote recently that reads “Goodbyes hurt when the story is not finished and the book has been closed forever” and it killed me because this is what happened to me when I lost my dad. We still have so much left in our story! I was pregnant with Marcus when he died and so he never got to meet him. He missed Samantha’s first day of school, Marcus’ baptism, Liliana’s first day of school, the launch of my radio show (The Parenting Show executive producer Sandra Carusi), birthdays, holidays, and all the other milestones that are to come. Our story would have included more family visits to the CNE, more stories about his hunting and fishing trips, more knocks on my front door, more sitting and watching soccer games together and more phone calls that ended in “I love you” every single time. I still needed my dad, 3 years ago and today!

I did not want to say goodbye to my daddy and I know he didn’t want to say goodbye to us, we weren’t ready for our story to end and the book to be closed forever.

For you Papa because I can’t listen to this song without thinking of you…

Light Years – Pearl Jam

“I’ve used hammers made out of wood
I have played games with pieces and rules
I’ve deciphered tricks at the bar
But now your gone
I haven’t figured out why
I’ve come up with riddles
And jokes about war
I’ve figured out numbers and what there for
I’ve understood feelings
And I’ve understood words
But how could you be taken away
And wherever you’ve gone
And where ever we might go
It don’t seem fair
Today just disappeared
Your lights reflected now
Reflected from a far
We were but stones
Your light made us stars
With heavy breath
Awakens regrets
Back pages and days alone the could’ve been spent
Together but we were miles apart
Every inch between becomes light years now
No time to be void
Or save up on life
Uh you’ve got to spend it all
And wherever you’ve gone
And where ever we might go
It don’t seem fair
You seem to like it here
Your lights reflected now
Reflected from a far
We were but stones
Your light made us stars”

I miss you, I love you, I wish you were still here! TVB Papa xoxo