It’s a year, a fuckin year already and almost to the exact time that you took your last breath. We sat beside you holding onto you for dear life and feeling so helpless because there was NOTHING we could do to stop the inevitable from happening! It was a year ago today that I lost my Daddy, my Papa, and my Hero. No one told me it was going to be this hard, they sugar coat it and tell you shit like he’s not gone, he’s still with you or just give it some time, it will get better…you know the crap people say to make you feel better…things they think will make you feel better. The truth is that for me it didn’t but instead made things worst, especially when it came from the mouths of people who’s parents are alive and well. Sometimes you just don’t care to hear from people who know nothing about how I feel or what I’m going through. Am I still angry and upset over my father’s passing? Yes, of course…he was a HUGE part of my life and living without him hasn’t been easy.
Over the past year I’ve wanted to write about him more, not so much for those of you who come here to read my blog but for myself. I said I would blog for his birthday (June 10th) and then again on Father’s Day but I just couldn’t bring myself to it. I wanted to cherish those days and spend them reflecting back on my time with him and the memories I’m left with instead of typing away on my computer. I also debated about writing this today but here I am.
It’s been a shitty and hard year, one that I could have NEVER prepared myself for. There were days when I didn’t wanted to wake up and get out of bed, days when I was determined to laugh and smile even though I was dying inside, days when I would say up at night going through old pics balling my eyes out when the rest of the house was sounds asleep and even days when I needed a hug from him so bad that I would go to the cemetery and hug the stupid marble wall where his body lays as my tears streamed down the plaque that has his picture and name on it.
Papa I miss you so much! I wish you were here for our annual CNE visit, for Mamma’s birthday, to bring Samantha to school, to meet Marcus and watch him grown, to spend the holidays together, to share one last plate of pasta and ceci with you for San Giuseppe, to get one last Happy Birthday phone call from you, to come see you for your birthday, for you to be here for the kids birthdays, to be able to spend Father’s Day with you and for all the in betweens! I don’t want to go to mass tonight, I want you to be here so that we don’t have to plan stupid memorial masses for you. I want July 25th to be like any other boring and non eventful day, I don’t want to remember it as the day I lost YOU!
Time passes we all know that but one thing will ALWAYS remain and that is my love for you and yours for me! You are my Papa and always will be, doesn’t matter if you are here beside me holding my hand or up in heaven looking down on me. It’s all these things that will remain no matter how much time passes. Even as I sit here crying and writing I can hear you saying “ah Pina mia don’t cry, c’mon” and so I’m going to wipe these tears away for you Papa and do my best to be strong and smile because I was blessed with the most amazing dad in the world!
I love you sooooooo very much and that will never change!
xoxo