I was up working late and I watched the clock flip from 11:59pm on March 24th to 12:00am on March 25th…it officially marked another year and another birthday. The only difference this year from those of the past was that I would be spending it and celebrating it without one of the most important people in my life…my Papa!
Today is exactly 8 months since my father passed away and I can’t even begin to describe the pain and heartbreak that I’ve been feeling day in and day out since July 25th, 2015. I smile, I laugh, and I put on an act because really who wants a Debbie downer around? God knows I don’t want to open the door for all the fantastic unsolicited advice that everyone loves to give. Yes, they mean well but fuck I’d rather just smile and hope that they buy the act so they can be on their merry way.
For anyone who knows me you know that there are certain things I love and the one that tops my list is my family and celebrating milestones with them. I love celebrating all their birthdays with them and I love celebrating with them for mine. My friends will be the first to tell you that I tend to go a little crazy when it comes to my birthday. Every year, starting on February 25th I feature a month long countdown for my birthday on Facebook. My reason for it was that it’s not about another birthday but more about celebrating another year, a gift of time which many are robbed of (my father included). Needless to say I didn’t countdown this year because let’s face it, I’m having a hard time without my dad around and just wish that I could skip this birthday all together. Well it wasn’t till today and until I sat down to write this that I remembered my reason for my counting down and I wish that I would have done it this year. I wish that I remembered why I used to do, I wish I remembered the blog I wrote about my birthday countdown and I wish I remembered that the reason I started my birthday countdown was because of my dad.
As shitty and hard as these past 8 months have been I am here and I have a family who loves me. My birthday is TODAY and I have been given this gift of life and am here because of my parents. The one thing I wanted so bad today was that call from my daddy this morning wishing me a Happy Birthday and although those days have come and gone I got a gift from my dad in another way today. He reminded me that no matter what I need to be grateful for what I have and the time that I’ve been given to be here with the people I love. He was always great at teaching my sisters and I lessons in life and I’m pretty lucky to get this birthday gift from him. I don’t think I will ever get over losing him and I know that my birthdays will never be the same without him but I also know that my countdown will be back next year in his honour and for each and every year following.
I love you and miss you Papa…I always will xoxo