Pregnant & Mourning

2 months have come and gone and one thing remains the same, you are not here 🙁 .

I’m not sure where to start or what to say, hell I don’t even know if I’m coming or going these days. I’ve even be debating writing about this for a long time now but I feel like it’s something I need to do, not for my readers but for myself. A vent, release, therapy…if that makes any sense. I’m not here to sugar coat shit cuz that’s exactly what I’ve been doing for the past 4 years. It’s time to let it out and be brutally honest…especially for myself.

This month will mark 4 years since we found out my father had Cancer and although I would count my blessings each and every day, smile and laugh, my life changed. During those 4 years we had many happy times like the births of my two girls and finding out I was pregnant with our third child (arriving next week) but even with all of this, things were hard as I knew my Papa’s time was ticking. We always tried to make the most of it and our time spent together but no matter what the big “C” was something that was real, there and stealing my daddy away from me. You see I come from a close knit family…2 amazing parents and 2 awesome older sisters. We have always been there for one another, see each other all the time, talk daily (numerous times a day to be honest) and end every conversation with “I LOVE YOU!”.

(taken on July 24th the day before my Daddy died…Me, My Papa & My Baby Bump)

My Papa was the world to me and still is! He and my mother immigrated here from Italy for a better life not only for themselves but for the family they were planing on having. With $100 in their pocket, sacrifices beyond sacrifices and a lot of hard work they made it happen. They provided for us and gave us the best life possible. They made sure we never went without and taught us that dreams do come true, family is the most important thing in life and if you want something go after it, work hard and never ever give up because it will happen.

My dad was a bricklayer by trade and worked his ass off for us…snow, rain, cold weather, hot and humid days, falling off scaffolds, he did it all and all for his family. I still remember my sisters and I racing to the door to see who could greet him first after a long day of work with a bottle of Molson Ex in hand. We were so blessed with such an amazing man to call our father!

I have so many amazing memories with my daddy like watching Belle and Sebastian cartoons with him after dinner, Sunday mass at St. Andrew’s Church followed visits to Grande Cheese, bike rides together at our old house, picking out my super puffy and tacky 80’s communion dress (which cost and arm and leg but he didn’t care cuz he just wanted me to happy), holiday parties in the basement, trips to Italy, learning to drive the Corsica LTZ, walking down the aisle with him by my side, our father daughter dance at my wedding, and so much more!

You see I was ALWAYS his little girl and still am at age 35…doesn’t matter that I’m now married with children of my own. Talking about my kids, I think he actually loved them more than me haha. Samantha was his little “Principessa” and Liliana his BFF was “Cookie Mia”. OMG I’ll never forget when he started to call Lily “Cookie Mia” and my mother would look at him and get mad saying stop calling her that but he would tell her to be quiet and leave him alone…well the nickname stuck and Lily loves it 🙂 .

(the last birthday card I got from my Papa)

So many memories and good times and although I’m grateful and blessed to have them I couldn’t be more pissed, angry, frustrated, annoyed, hurt, and sad because CANCER stole my daddy away from me, my mom, my sisters, my kids, nieces, nephews, son in laws, and most of all my unborn baby! I thought the past 4 years were hell, well they don’t even compare to these past few months. I’m constantly being given unwanted advice from people who are trying to help but really I could careless to hear it because bottom line is that he’s gone, he’s not coming back, and NO ONE knows how I feel and what I’m going through. I’ve heard it all let me tell you…everything from “he’s in a better place now”, “I know EXACTLY how you feel” to “try and relax, the baby can feel what you’re going through and it’s not good”. I just sit back bite my tongue and nod my head because God knows if I were to open my mouth and say what I was really thinking I would be considered the biggest bitch in the world. Yes, I know people are just trying to help and they think that by saying these things they are doing something good but let’s be honest it’s not and I don’t care to hear it at least not right now. It’s like when someone asks me “how are you?” I just wanna laugh in their face because let’s be honest they wanna hear “I’m great thanks, how are you?” not “I’m really fuckin shit and not doing well at all! I lost my dad, I’m pregnant and life at the moment is pretty crappy to be honest”. I know I probably sound like an angry, super emotional and hormonal pregnant woman and maybe I am but let’s be honest cuz what people think of me at the moment isn’t something that I’m caring about. I’m mourning the loss of one of the most important and greatest loves of my life and so I need to own this and do whatever it takes to try and get through it. It means that for the first time in a very long time I need to put myself first which isn’t easy to do as a mother.

People look at me, see me smile, laugh, continue to do my thing in the social media world and think oh look she’s doing well and she’s so strong but little do they know I’m dying inside and it’s all an act. There, the truth is out! I’m a mess, I can’t deal, can’t cope, can’t sleep at night and contrary to what people think and believe I am the far from strong.

There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of my dad. A song I hear, something someone says in passing, a memory that comes up, a photograph I see…they all remind me of him. I miss him dearly and although I was with him till the very end and told him all the time how much I loved him and he would say the same it doesn’t make things any easier. The last month of his life I was by his side…EVERY SINGLE DAY right till the very end and watching him take his final breath while holding his hand as my heart broke in a million pieces and tears streamed down my face was the most painful thing I’ve ever had to experience.

I miss you so much Daddy! Life has not been the same without you and yes at least you aren’t here suffering but I still wish you were here. We still had so much to do together…not just me and you but the kids too. I love you Papa, I always will and if the only way I can spend time with you these days is in my dreams then so be it cuz I will wait for you every night just to see your face, feel your touch or hear your voice.

Mi manchi tanto Papa e ti voglio bene assai xoxo