Men are Dumb

Guest Blog Written By Yummy Mummy: Michelle Stockwell

They say that a woman’s life changes the moment they know they are pregnant. So true!! Suddenly, my needs and wants got bumped and the baby’s well being took centre stage. No more coffee, even though ‘tired’ didn’t even begin to explain what I was feeling. No more wine, even though work related stress had me wanting to kill a bottle! No more sushi (at least not the real stuff). No more red meat, because there is no point on eating it well done, and rare is just not safe for baby. And all this was before I felt a flutter or loosened my belt buckle!!!

Yes, my life changed the moment I peed on that stick.

Our baby was a welcome and pleasant surprise. So surprising in fact, that I did the pregnancy test on a whim while home alone and thought I was going to burst with the news, so I called my poor husband at work and dropped the bomb of a lifetime on him- SURPRISE!!!!

I couldn’t help it- my entire life just changed and I had to tell him ASAP!!!! He was shocked, but happy. He got home from work and we talked logistics (we had to move, I wouldn’t be making that job change, dinner at the new charcuterie place was probably not the best idea), and then I started pestering him with baby names. ‘Whoa, babe!’ he said while reaching out for his delicious looking ice cold beer, ‘you haven’t even seen a doctor yet. Let’s confirm this is real before we name the baby’.

How could he be so relaxed???? How could he question the reality of this pregnancy??? How could he dare drink that beer in front of me????? WTF is wrong with him!!!!

The fact was, while he knew his days of being a carefree man were coming to an end, he still had 9 months of freedom ahead of him. His life had not yet changed.

Fast forward a couple of months. We have confirmed the pregnancy, moved to a bigger place and physically, it is obvious that I am in a family way. I am not sleeping well at night, I have the nose of a bloodhound and everyone and everything smells bad, and it is freaking hot outside even in October! I have carpel tunnel, my wrists are swollen and I feel like a whale. I look over at my husband as he wolfs down his deli meat sandwich, sips his ice cold beer, then stinks up the place with his onion breath and beer farts while he peacefully falls asleep next to me and I contemplate smothering him. His life has still not changed.

Fast forward yet again. I wake up at 4am with cramps. Slowly, the cramps start getting closer and closer and by 9am, I am pretty sure I am having contractions. My husband had a cold. Humph!!! A bloody cold! So off to the walk in clinic he goes. While he is out, my water breaks. He comes home and has a nap. I will not kill my husband on my child’s possible birthday. While in the hospital, there was quite a bit of whining about sore backs and pain- FROM HIM!!!! You got it- his life had still not really changed.

Our beautiful baby graced us with her presence almost 48 hours after my water broke. That night my husband went home to sleep. He was after all, sick and tired. It had been a rough 48 hours for him. Can you hear my eyes rolling? He was now in denial about his life changing.

They say that a baby can’t repair a broken relationship. My relationship was never broken though. I loved my husband with my whole heart. Our relationship was strong and healthy. No one tells you that you might start to hate your husband once your baby is born. No one tells you that a baby can break an otherwise good relationship- or at least, it can really push the limits!

It was like he didn’t get it. Yes, I was nursing, so there was little he could do to help at 3am, but I still wanted to kill him with Jedi mind tricks as he snored beside me while I held our baby all night through a marathon cluster feed. Yes, he had to wake up the next day and go to work, but I hadn’t slept for longer than 2 hours in a row for weeks now. His friends wanted to take him out for drinks to celebrate the baby- are you freaking kidding me??? I’m the one who did all the freaking work! And my prize is stitches, to bleed for 6 weeks and not get any sleep??? He questioned why the house was always a mess and didn’t understand why I forgot to buy milk again (hello baby brain).

The thing was, his life still had not really changed. The baby needed me mostly, and he could come and go. He was helpful if I told him exactly what to do and he was in the mood to do it, but it was like he could never figure out what to do on his own. He would get frustrated if he tried to soothe her and it didn’t work immediately, so he would give up, and place the unsleeping, crying baby in my arms. There were months where I was unsure if we would make it. There were times when I was sure we would not. He just did not get it. He did not understand.

Slowly, things got better. Evelyn became less dependent on just me, and my husband gained more confidence in handling her. She became more fun for him and I started to feel like myself. I was now a different version of myself, but myself none- the- less. Somewhere along the line, I stopped hating my husband and remembered why I fell in love with him. We started to joke around again and began to marvel at the amazing person we created. I still want to kill him sometimes. He still doesn’t quite ‘get it’ all the time, but he is an amazing father and I think we’ll keep him.

I wish someone had warned me. I might have been prepared for it then. I might have wanted to kill him less if I knew that one day I would stop wanting to kill him again. I wish friends had been more forthcoming with that, because in speaking to many women who have had children, what our marriage went through is normal, but everyone put up this happy family act that left me feeling so alone. Maybe it’s because they sense that they have been kicked down the hierarchy, or maybe there is some jealously over the attention they get. Possibly they feel useless since Mama seems to be able to be able to do everything, and maybe it’s because like I said, it just takes a while longer for things to really change for men. Whatever it is, it happens, and I am here to tell you, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Yes, we are the more intelligent sex, so it goes without saying that your husband will continue to do stupid things, but the level of stupidity will return to what you experienced before you got pregnant. I guess we can be difficult to live with at times as well (I mean YOU may be difficult to live with, I am perfect, so whatever). In the end, I love my husband more now than I ever did before because he helped me create our daughter, who is the most beautiful and amazing person I know.

So if you are pregnant right now and you want to kill your husband, don’t worry! If you have a newborn and are contemplating knocking your husband out cold with your much engorged, porn star boob, you are normal. If you are considering packing up your bags (or his) and not looking back, it’s ok! Chances are, if all was good before, the dust will settle, and things will calm down once again. Your life will never be the same and it’s likely that he is still figuring out that his has changed too! And there is nothing like a good ‘I hate my husband’ bitch session with your friends to cure what ails you. So next time your best friend complains about her husband be a pal and dig up your worst husband story and make her feel like she isn’t alone. Don’t tell her to go easy on him or that he probably didn’t mean it. Let her vent and lend her a supportive ear, because men just don’t get it, but we do.